Ghostbusting

Aqueous Luck

In the last few months I noticed an increase in general luck in my life. It's mostly small things like new checkout lines opening in the supermarket when I approach them, or being offered to skip the cue at the airport check-in, my daughter finding money bills in the park, stuff like that. I am not sure what the cause for it is, as I several ongoing small rituals that I regularly practice, but I am mainly suspecting the regular offerings to the river spirit. I usually offer consecrated tobacco or dry bread to him and simply ask for luck.

The most outstanding and mind-blowing incident of luck was the whole story around moving to a new apartment at the end of August of this year.

I've been living in the same house in a lovely street full of trees next to a park in the heart of Berlin for the last seven years. My former "apartment" that I have lived in until August consisted of two old adjacent ground-floor shops. I had used them in different configurations as office space, living space, co-working space, second hand clothes shop. My girlfriend moved in with me a few years ago, we got married soon after, and two years ago our daughter E. was born. Suddenly the beloved "interesting apartment" had become a challenge because it didn't really suit the lifestyle of our small family anymore.

Anyways, out of the blue, around the middle of June I got a visit from two ladies of the property management company. They came to offer me a deal: if I would agree to cancel my business rental contract and leave one of the two shops they would offer me another apartment in the same house in exchange. The other flat was perfectly sized for our new little family, with a real private rental contract with all the benefits of legal protection of tenants and rent control, no questions asked about any financial securities from our side, and a rent that is way below the average of this neighborhood that is a hotspot of gentrification struggle. We could not believe our luck.

Uninvited Flatmate

But soon after we moved in, things started getting a bit edgy. Our cat didn't like the place at all, behaved very anxious and was outside most of the time, but he's a cat, so we were kind of expecting weird behavior from him. After a week my wife T. started having strange rage attacks and nervous breakdowns almost on a daily basis. I also felt unusually aggressive and snappy and without any of my usual patience. Little E. was restless and took hours to fall asleep. In addition, our renovation attempts kept failing in absurd ways. Screws kept falling back out of the wall and curtain rails would fall off the ceiling. Tools would get lost or stopped functioning. I almost killed myself with exposed electricity cables in an indescribably clumsy accident. One evening when T. and I were not snapping at each other in unprecedented irrational fights I joked that maybe the new place is haunted. Well, as it turned out, the joke was on us.

T. revealed to me that her attacks almost felt like she was not herself - more like "possessed". It dawned on us that our issues were not only results of being overtired parents trying to turn the new apartment into an inhabitable home, but might actually be related to a presence that did not like us! Poltergeist activity!

Was this the price for the luck we've had? A magical test?

The next morning I went straight to the organic supermarket a few blocks down the road and bought camphor, as suggested by my mage friend Ricardo who is more into the Eastern esoteric traditions where this method is used to cleanse. I did as instructed and put small pieces of the intense smelling substance into the four corners of the house.

The same evening E. fell asleep peacefully after 20 minutes and also T. had not felt so relieved for days. We keep an old radio running in the bedroom, tuned between stations so it produces white noise, which helps our little daughter to sleep better. T. always stays in bed with E. until she sleeps. She texted me the good news while I was in my office downstairs. I wrote back that maybe it was because of the "spiritual cleansing".

The moment T. had read my message she heard the radio making sudden evil grunting sounds that scared her a lot and that she had never heard before! Damn! Another proof of an uninvited etherial flat-mate ...and that the camphor didn't work well enough to drive it away.

Full Latin

I consulted with Ricardo about what to do about this problem and he advised to "go full Latin". He suggested a protocol that included a few Catholic prayers and an exorcism and I spiced it up with some more witchy additions. Below is the full list of operations I performed.

Although eventually it worked and the "ghost" vanished, it didn't leave without yet another prank which was also his creepiest:

T. told me that while she was in the bathroom and brushed her teeth she had the sudden feeling that the door opened behind her. She turned her head but the door was still closed. So she continued to brush her teeth and then felt that someone pulled her hair from behind! She turned around: nothing!

Ghostbusting Protocol

• Place peanut sized chunks of camphor in the four corners of the house/room. It evaporates quite quickly, so you need to replace it every other day.

• Soak some mugwort in hot water and let it get cold. Do a quick consecration with your intent on invoking the plant spirit to assist you with its cleansing powers. Sift out the leafy bits and fill the water into a pump spray bottle. Turn the bottle to fine mist spray mode and spray every room, going around the house from room to room in a counterclockwise movement until you are back where you started.

• Make up an introductory prayer to the Blessed Virgin Mary to assist you in driving out the unwanted forces from your home that haunt you and your family.

• Prayer "August Queen of Heaven":

  August Queen of Heaven,
  sovereign queen of Angels,
  you who at the beginning
  received from God
  the power and the mission to crush the head of Satan,
  we beseech you humbly,
  send your holy legions so that,
  on your orders and by your power,
  they will track down demons,
  fight them everywhere,
  curb their audacity and plunge them into the abyss.
  
  Who can be compared to God?
  Oh good and tender Mother,
  you will always be our love and our hope.
  
  Oh divine Mother,
  send the Holy Angels and Archangels to defend me
  and to keep the cruel enemy far from me.
  
  Holy Angels and Archangels defend us,
  protect us.
  
  Amen.

• The 1902 short form of the exorcism formula and prayer to the Archangel St. Michael from the Rituale Romanum:

  In name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost.
  
  St. Michael the Archangel, illustrious leader of the heavenly army, defend us in the battle against principalities and powers, against the rulers of the world of darkness and the spirit of wickedness in high places.
  
  Come to the rescue of mankind, whom God has made in His own image and likeness, and purchased from Satan's tyranny at so great a price. Holy Church venerates you as her patron and guardian. The Lord has entrusted to you the task of leading the souls of the redeemed to heavenly blessedness. Entreat the Lord of peace to cast Satan down under our feet, so as to keep him from further holding man captive and doing harm to the Church. Carry our prayers up to God's throne, that the mercy of the Lord may quickly come and lay hold of the beast, the serpent of old, Satan and his demons, casting him in chains into the abyss, so that he can no longer seduce the nations. Amen

• The Latin version for even more oomph:

  In nomine Patris, et Filii et Spiritus Sancti.
  Sancte Michaël Archangele,
  defende nos in proelio;
  contra nequitiam et insidias diaboli esto praesidium.
  Imperet illi Deus,
  supplices deprecamur: tuque,
  Princeps militiae caelestis,
  Satanam aliosque spiritus malignos,
  qui ad perditionem animarum pervagantur in mundo,
  divina virtute in infernum detrude.
  Amen.

• Thank the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Archangel for their assistance.

• Draw crosses with Holy Oil on all doors of the rooms.

• Here is a modified and shortened version of the Stele of Jeu for the purpose of driving out the evil forces from my home:

  I invoke you, headleess one, awesome and invisible God who dwells in the void of emptiness.
  You who created the Earth and the Heavens,
  You who created the Night and the Day,
  You who created the Darkness and the Light.
  You are Osoronnophris, whom no one has ever seen.
  You are Iabas; you are Iapos.
  You have distinguished the Just from the Unjust.
  You have made the Female and the Male.
  You have made the Seed and the Fruit.
  You have made men Love and Hate one another.
  Arbathiaō reibet athelebersēth ara blatha albeu ebenphchi chitasgoē ib aōth iaō
  Hear me and turn away the uninvited spirit from these rooms.
  Arogogorobraō sochou modoriō phalarchaō ooo
  Deliver this place from the spirit that restrains my family and me.
  Roubriaō mari ōdam baabna baōth ass adōnai aphniaō ithōlēth abrasax aēoōu
  Mighty headless one, deliver this home from the evil spirit.
  Mabarraiō ioēl kotha athorēbalō abraōth
  Deliver this place from the spirit that restrains my family and me.
  Aōth abaōth basym isak sabaōth iaō
  

• Repeat the mugwort water spraying described above while saying your intent of cleansing the space from all unwanted spirits.

• Replace the evaporated camphor in the upcoming weeks.

The hair-pulling prank was the last weird thing that happened. After that we were left alone. Our moods went up significantly, our patience and general wellbeing also. The cat was finally relaxed and started trying out different sleeping spots in all of the rooms as he used to do in our old home. It almost felt like someone had exchanged the whole atmosphere of our home. It felt clean.

Because this presence had heavily affected my whole family I chose the nuclear solution, so I am not sure which step exactly did it in the end. You might want to choose a more selective approach by starting simple (mugwort, camphor) and waiting for a result, then calling for air support (prayers, holy oil), if that doesn't work dropping the Mother of All Bombs aka. the Blessed Virgin, and if the presence is still around, finally going full WMD (St. Michael, Headless One).

Thanks again Ricardo for the Catholic weaponry and overall support through the whole process and to my cat C. for being such a reliable bio-sensor and familiar in this and the other world.