SUBLUNAR SPACE - mars

Dark Night of the Soul

2023-07-10T19:30:00+02:00

This is the most difficult article I've written so far. I have less mental capacities to write than I used to and so much has happened since we set sails to our escape journey at the end of 2020. Little did I know that it would turn into a real odyssey.

I have written extensively about some of my experiences of planetary self-initiation in the past but I have come to realize that the further I progessed through the spheres the more meaningful and personal they became. It feels almost inappropriate to make all the details public here, due to their very personal nature and because they coincided with a difficult period of depression and crisis that took quite some time and effort to get out of. But I will try to briefly touch on them because they might actually be the most important magical experiences of my life.

The last time I had been through a similar personal upheaval and depression was over a decade ago around the time of my Saturn Return (while being completely ignorant of that concept). Back then I managed to shed several layers of self-perceived expectations and societal pressure that had kept my authentic self in confinement and came out of it feeling more like a grownup than before.

This time it was different. Not only in terms of the darkness and confusion I had to push through, as well as the mind-blowing levels of self-realization, but especially due to the magnitude of traumatizing fallout that directly influenced my immediate family. It's one thing to live through a period of depression by yourself, but when you are embedded in a family unit and have responsibilities as a spouse and parent, it is impossible to protect your loved ones from getting hurt.

Thus Spoke the Goddesses

Past planetary initiations had taught me about my relationship with my parents and the need for personal sovereignty (Jupiter), about the temporality of life and nonlinearity of time (Saturn), the art of war and listening to my instincts (Mars). They were all mind-blowing and exciting. In contrast, the initiations of the feminine planets I went through while living on the Canary Island of Tenerife turned out to be deeply soul shattering.

I had been especially looking forward to my Lunar initiation ritual, naively hoping it would help me get more lucid dreams or better psychic skills. Instead, the luminary goddess made me realize that significant parts of my past life had been a self-deceptive lie and that I actually tick all the boxes of an ADHD diagnosis while leaning heavily into the Autism spectrum. How's that for a surprise?

Facing Venus was something I had been scared of ever since starting the 7 spheres cycle, mainly due to the frightening experiences my mage friend Aaron of Charm the Water had gone through but I had to eventually do it and the ritual timing coincided with a very difficult relationship crisis. With equal intensity to her lunar kin the goddess of love and beauty made me ask myself very uncomfortable questions about my interpersonal experiences and abilities that both directly tied into my newly discovered neurodiversity. On the upside - and very weird for a pagan goddess - my venusian initiation resulted in a sudden felt sense of closeness to - wait for it - I still can't really comprehend it: Jesus Christ.

Into the Abyss

So here I was, displaced on a volcanic saturnian island in the middle of the Atlantic. Grappling with mental health issues, questioning my whole past life, having lost my career and general faith in humanity during a raging pandemic, having no friends and a shattered marriage apparently wasn't enough: I conducted Covid-19 during a short trip to Romania and infected my family when I returned. It hit us hard. My wife the hardest. I don't know how we all managed to not lose our minds completely and I really have problems recalling memories of that time. It was grim.

Three months after having officially recovered from Covid-19 I almost drowned from attempting to swim in the sea. My physical condition was at its worst ever, I could barely breathe and it all really bummed me out. When Russia invaded Ukraine at the end of February 2022 it was the cherry on the despair cake and I lost it. I drifted off into a serious depression of which I barely recall anything besides fractions of images. I was suffering heavy post-Covid symptoms, overwhelming fatigue, a brainfog so intense I was unable to read or write properly.

In the months that followed, my wife - who miraculously hadn't left me - somehow managed to drag us all off the island and we spent several weeks traveling. We met my parents on their holidays on the neighbor island of Fuerteventura, we also traveled all our former homes, reconnecting with family and friends and it felt like collecting long forgotten shards of my soul.

Tikkun Atzmi

I wandered the endless white beaches of Fuerteventura, drowning in nostalgia from childhood vacation memories, reliving the bliss of those magical times, letting months of stuck tears flow.

I walked the streets of Berlin with a never before encountered intense sense of placeness. I ritually visited every house and neighborhood I had lived in for the past 20 years. I was overwhelmed by forgotten memories, almost breaking down on several occasions, finding myself crying, finally integrating grief and loss of past failed relationships and old friends.

I wandered through the forests around my hometown, in awe of the intensity of how much 'home' this place felt, reconnecting with my parents and friends from teenage times. We ended up spending several weeks in Heidelberg and I couldn't shake the feeling that immersing myself in this ancestral place contributed a lot to my recovery. I finished the seven Spheres with Mercury at his temple on the same mountain I had started the planetary journey three years earlier.

It was during that time that we decided to close this weird liminal chapter of our life and leave Tenerife for good. What had started as a hopeful and optimistic escape had turned out to be a dark underworld journey in the middle of a tropical paradise. And like every heroes journey it felt crucial to finish it properly and to return home. But what does 'home' even mean when you are a mixed background family? This had been one of our primary discussions in the last two years: where is our home? Where do we want to live? Where is our 'Ithaka' to return to?

We stayed on the island for just a few more weeks, wrapping up our life there and eventuall left the same way we had arrived - by land and sea - like Odysseus.

We arrived back in our old home of Berlin and rediscovered all of our belongings we had left behind two years before. Everything felt eerily familiar yet foreign and distant. In an almost manic tour de force we managed to get rid of the majority of our stuff, renovate the old flat and sublet it to a friend of ours - all within a month - and we took off to open a new chapter in a new place - yet another chapter of uncertainty but with ancestral ties: my wife's homeland, the holy land, Israel.

Solve et Coagula

I am still in the midst of an ongoing and probably never-ending process of re-framing and integrating my own past, re-adjusting my life to my newly realized neurodiversity and attempting to put it all into context. It's been a wild ride so far. My (also neurodiverse) wife and I have managed to reconcile and rebuild trust and are working through a ton of past baggage, both individual and common. Meanwhile I got the diagnosis of a liver condition resulting in raised cholesterole levels that might be the result of genetic disposition and long-covid. I take medication for that and since doing so I have been feeling much better physically. Also my brainfog has lifted to the point where I can read books again and write a few paragraphs of text. Overall I am hopeful and positive about the future and despite the intensity of dark experiences during the last two years I am grateful and in awe about the deep transformations I am going through. Jung called the process 'individuation', alchemists called it 'Magnum Opus', the 'Great Work' and now I know that 'great' refers to the incomprehensible heaviness of the 'work', the sacrifices and traumas one can endure on the way to a more authentic self.

I thank the planetary spirits, the gods and the theotokos for heeding my calls and pushing me through this magical adventure, the labyrinth of self-discovery that without proper divine help has the potential to merely become what's commonly referred to as 'midlife crisis'.

To Ram Through

2021-05-02T16:30:00+02:00

This is a half a year late quick report of personal gnosis that followed my initiation into the sphere of Mars right before he went retrograde in August 2020. I learned about the art of war, energy management, and to follow my instincts.

I admit it wasn't the best Astrological election to do my initiation into the sphere of Mars on Tuesday, August 18th. Mars was squaring Saturn, but also in a trine with a combust Mercury. But it was a New Moon and Aries was rising during the hour of Mars. I followed my intuition and just did it. My tropical sun-sign is Aries, so is my sidereal ascendant as well as my Lot of Daemon. So far, martian space weather has been mostly auspicious in my life.

I got myself into the right mood by listening to some war-glorifying electronic anthems from the local anti-german subculture, like "Alles musz in Flammen stehen" ("Everything must be in flames") by Das Flug, or Björn Peng's "We Do" and the theme of one of my favourite post-apocalyptic b-movies "Hardware". As soundtrack for the initiation itself I chose an organ arrangement of Gustav Holst's "Mars. Bringer of War".

My libation of choice was a deep port wine and I was excited to fumigate some of the Canarian dragonblood I had harvested on Tenerife some years ago. I decorated the altar with my taiji practice broadsword and a selection of corresponding Tarot cards: Ace of Wands, The Chariot, The Tower, ...The Force? I hesitated with the latter because it represents a more feminine yin form of martian energy but it made me think of Athena, the sister of Ares, symbolizing a more disciplined, strategic side of war. I wasn't sure about it, so I put it back into the card box.

Utilizing my Psithemius table of practice the invocation of Samael went smoothly. Like in my first use of the device for my solar initiation I got visual feedback again this time: the silhouette of a staff or spear wielding man appeared in front of my inner eye while gazing into the crystal.

Getting Things Done

I did not expect to have instant effects from the ritual, but already from the next day I had a burst of energy that lasted for a good week. I followed an urge to clear out our basement, a project I had successfully postponed over and over for months already. I also finally felt very motivated to start working on renovating our newly purchased transporter to turn it into a campervan. I worked on it almost every day.

A few days later things got weird. At 5 in the morning I was woken up by an obnoxious digital sounding noise. It came from my phone that was charging in the kitchen. It was an alarm. But the phone showed no indicator, no snooze button, no sign of the usual alarm interface. It stopped when I hit the volume down button. Then I saw that the phone was actually set to fully silent - even the alarms. It shouldn't have made any sound. Weird! When I went back to bed, slightly confused and annoyed, my daughter E suddenly started to giggle and cackle in her sleep. It creeped the hell out of me. Later that day I was sitting on the couch in our living room and opened a letter from the Police. Allegedly I had bumped into someone's car while pulling out of a parking lot. I was devastated and scared of the legal consequences. Suddenly my daughter came to me with a proud face to show me something she had done. I almost fell off the couch...

She handed me the Force card of my tarot deck, cleanly cut into two halves and the rounded corners clipped off. I should have known better but instead I yelled at her and she started crying. Of course she didn't know or understand what she had done. I was confused. I clearly remember having put this card back into its box. How did she get it? And how come it was the exact one I had so hesitated with? It struck me like an answer: "No, not this card is not Mars!"

And in combination with the letter from the Police! Samael clearly teaching some lessons here. I guessed this was about obedience, honoring rules and questioning my relationship with authorities. Things I have always had difficulties with.

The Art of War

The core martian teachings unfolded in the following weeks. But due to privacy concerns regarding a client I work as a consultant for I cannot go into any of the juicy details. All I can vaguely disclose is they had experienced an internal breach of trust that resulted in a power struggle destabilizing the whole company. Suddenly and out of nowhere my technical expertise was needed, but in more ways than anticipated. I found myself placed in the role of a war-general: assuming and predicting the next steps of the enemy and working on strategies to anticipate them.

My bursts of energy of the first week after the rite had been focused on my own personal projects, random and not very controled. Now I learned that directing martian energies towards a greater goal beyond mere personal gain and satisfaction seems to exponentially amplify them. My martial personality traits bloomed as never before and I felt contented to a whole new level.

This chapter lasted almost the whole Mars retrograde phase but ended in a glorious victory. The internal enemy was defeated, their actions repelled and retaliated. I was high from pride, the client both as surprised by my skills as I was and very satisfied by my work. Soon after, we agreed on a long term commitment. I felt very lucky, because the pandemic had killed my 15 year career from one day to another and I really needed a new job anyway.

Ovine Instincts

The other "thing" that happened in the aftermath of my Mars initiation was more of a process than an event. It started out as just a subtle but then day after day increasing irrational feeling of panic and looming danger. I got very anxious about it but at the same time it also felt eerily familiar.

In the the last decade I have already learned to trust my general instincts and gut feelings about life decisions more than my rational faculties. Ever since treading an enchanted path I tend to attribute this subtle "knowing" to my "higher self", "daimon", or my "guardian angel". When I found out that the planetary ruler of my astrological lot of daimon (Aries) is Mars I wasn't surprised at all. This intuitive force has always felt that way to me.

The growing anxiety felt exactly like that. Almost animal-like. An ovine precognition of imminent danger. And it was clearly related to the pandemic. Day after day I felt a stronger urge that we must escape Berlin as fast as possible, or else...

I talked to my wife about it and she trusted me. We came up with a crazy plan. Our initial incentive to buy a van and convert it into a camper was to travel France, Spain, and Portugal. We even did a test camping trip through the South of Germany in July and really loved it. Well, then pandemic related travel restrictions were put in place, so we had to ditch that whole idea. Now it was back on the table, but modified. Not "travel" but "escape".

At this point we didn't really know what to escape from but we knew where to: The Canary Islands.

That in itself seemed quite crazy: drive to an archipelago off the coast of Morocco, almost 4000km away, by car?! Mars didn't think it was crazy, so that's what we ended up doing...but that's going to be the content of another article.

Postscriptum

The police sent a letter a few weeks later that the case was dropped. And eventually also my intuition was right. After we left Berlin, lockdown measures got implemented, all childcare and schools closed. Most flights cancelled. Travel restricted. We would have been stuck in a locked down metropolis during a cold and dark winter with a bored and anxious child without kindergarten to go to and without friends to meet. Thanks to Mars we avoided a mental health crisis.